And on a rainy afternoon, I shuffled to this Blue Rodeo song on my iPod, and found what I was looking for. It doesn’t make it any less frustrating. It doesn’t get me any nearer to figuring this out. But it is a relief to listen to these words and know that somewhere, someone else feels the same way.

I hear you talking everywhere
Words on the loudspeakers hanging in the air
Everywhere

And I remember the words you told me too
This town’s full of losers trying to get a piece of you
You really think that’s true

How long will it take til you open up your eyes
I’ve been gone for years
You never even realized

How long?

In a corner of the world on election day
You watched your star shatter then fade away
Too many wasted days

With your eyes wide open a hand on the wheel
You looked back hard trying to remember just how love feels
How does it feel?

How long will it take til you open up your eyes
I’ve been gone for years
You never even realized

How long?

What does it take to let you know it’s all coming down
Don’t waste my time

You used to walk down the street like the chosen one
Everybody got your blessings; now they’re gone
Where have they gone?

Did I ever tell you what I thought of what you did for me?
Some things cost too much
Even when they’re free

How long will it take til you open up your eyes
I’ve been gone for years
You never even realized

How long?

Mixwit is an online mix-tape generator. Bestill my heart!!

You can link to songs you have uploaded (you have to have your own webspace for this) or you can search for songs in their huge database. I managed to find every song I was looking for. Even the really rare stuff!

Check out my first mix.

Those of you who had the pleasure of riding in my car during the summer of 2000 may recognize this one.

I expect mixes from all of you! Enjoy!

I’ve recently been through something that reminded me a lot of who I was and what I was feeling when I was in high school. Only this time I am a little older; a little wiser; a little less willing to put up with the bullshit. And confident enough to know the difference.

This song rings as true to me today as it did when I first heard it fourteen years ago.

The waiting drove me mad
You’re finally here and I’m a mess
I take your entrance back
Can’t let you roam inside my head

I don’t want to take what you can give
I would rather starve than eat your bread
I would rather run but I can’t walk
Guess I’ll lie alone just like before

I’ll take the varmint’s path
Oh, and I must refuse your test
Push me and I will resist
This behavior’s not unique

I don’t want to hear from those who know
They can buy, but can’t put on my clothes
I don’t want to limp for them to walk
Never would have known of me before

I don’t want to be held in your debt
I’ll pay it off in blood, let I be wed
I’m already cut up and half dead
I’ll end up alone like I began

Everything has changed
Absolutely nothing’s changed

Luckily, when there is nothing else, I take comfort in the music; in the fact that nothing ever really changes but the scenery; in the friends who have been there all along.

Thank you for being (t)here. You know who you are.

It was the first time I had ever taken an antidepressant and I thought it was going to fix everything; they made it sound like it was going to fix everything, and I couldn’t wait to be happy again.

A couple weeks into my pill popping, I decided that I hated it.

I hated the side effects (headaches, drowsiness, nausea), and I hated having to take a pill when I woke up every morning because it reminded me that I wasn’t okay on my own. I’m one of those stubborn, independent types, and it felt like I had a dirty little secret. If anyone found out, they’d think I was crazy. Besides, I still wasn’t convinced that there was something honestly wrong with me. If I could just stop being a big dumb baby, I’d be okay.

Therapy didn’t help. My therapist was nice enough, but she specialized in working with younger children. She just looked at me with sad eyes and said stuff like, “That must be really hard for you.”

No shit.

Erin sent me a link to this article yesterday. And I think it’s probably the best Christmas present I’ll get this year. Because it explains how I feel. And it is so, so good to have something to point to and say, “Yes. This is how I feel. Read this and you will understand.”

Maybe you won’t understand. But for a minute I think you might know a little better what it’s like inside my head. And for someone who can’t put into words all the badness in her heart, that is a gift.

I was so happy when I read this. So happy to finally have a Rosetta stone for my unhappiness. So happy that I didn’t even realize how sad the article actually is. Everyone I sent it to wrote back to tell me how depressing it is. And I hadn’t even noticed. To me, it isn’t sad. It’s just the truth.

Perhaps that’s the saddest part of all?