damn you balance. you're an elusive son-of-a-bitch.

this town’s full of losers trying to get a piece of you

amanda — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:00:26 +0000

Lately I’ve been searching for something. Some touch point. Some song. Some passage in a book. Something that would help me to articulate how I feel. This place between sadness and anger. These muddled thoughts. I can’t deny that I have feelings for you. I can’t just pack seven years into a box and put it on a shelf somewhere. I’ve tried. And yet I’m so fucking tired of your excuses and your arrogance and your drama. I’m tired of alternating between thinking I might love you and wanting to flip you the finger and walk out of your life forever. I’m tired of waiting for you

And on a rainy afternoon, I shuffled to this Blue Rodeo song on my iPod, and found what I was looking for. It doesn’t make it any less frustrating. It doesn’t get me any nearer to figuring this out. But it is a relief to listen to these words and know that somewhere, someone else feels the same way.

I hear you talking everywhere
Words on the loudspeakers hanging in the air
Everywhere

And I remember the words you told me too
This town’s full of losers trying to get a piece of you
You really think that’s true

How long will it take til you open up your eyes
I’ve been gone for years
You never even realized

How long?

In a corner of the world on election day
You watched your star shatter then fade away
Too many wasted days

With your eyes wide open a hand on the wheel
You looked back hard trying to remember just how love feels
How does it feel?

How long will it take til you open up your eyes
I’ve been gone for years
You never even realized

How long?

What does it take to let you know it’s all coming down
Don’t waste my time

You used to walk down the street like the chosen one
Everybody got your blessings; now they’re gone
Where have they gone?

Did I ever tell you what I thought of what you did for me?
Some things cost too much
Even when they’re free

How long will it take til you open up your eyes
I’ve been gone for years
You never even realized

How long?

nostalgia 1, productivity 0

amanda — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 12:07:59 +0000

Oh my god. I hope you don't have anything you need to get done today. Cos I just found the coolest thing ever and you will probably spend the rest of the day playing with it. Props to Mark for the link. Mixwit is an online mix-tape generator. Bestill my heart!! You can link to songs you [...]

they don’t wave

admin — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 00:12:34 +0000

Here’s the secret: Life is simple. It all goes in endless fucking circles. The good. The bad. The sweet. The bitter. Same shit, different day. I’ve recently been through something that reminded me a lot of who I was and what I was feeling when I was in high school. Only this time I am [...]

my mind is proud but it aches with rage

admin — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:40:09 +0000

It was the first time I had ever taken an antidepressant and I thought it was going to fix everything; they made it sound like it was going to fix everything, and I couldn't wait to be happy again. A couple weeks into my pill popping, I decided that I hated it. I hated the side effects [...]

never wanted nothing more

amanda — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 16:31:52 +0000

Please, please, please let it be true. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life.